dibsgirl

The test results for HIV had come back positive?

2005-11-19T14:30:23Z

i got a phone call last night from dan telling me that he has HIV... i cried for forever... an uncontrollable cry. and then i get this email-
Amanda;
I lied about the whole STD thing, I do not have HIV. I was upset to hear that you were having a relationship with Kevin, or are going to, and I reacted out of hurt. I apologize. I feel that we should have no further communication from this point on. I do apologize very much.

oh fuck him. that is NOT funny at all to joke about. he will never know how much that hurt me.

dibsgirl @ 2005-10-30T00:07:00

2005-10-30T04:07:43Z

i am lonely

dibsgirl @ 2005-08-17T13:49:00

2005-08-17T17:50:47Z

i am going to stop updating livejournal all together... I can no longer keep this name dibsgirl. I am not longer his girl. I am not the property of Chris Kessler *smiles* I think that life is definately looking up. Life is going to be okay... *sigh of relief* but Andrea- I still miss you and I wanna see you really soon. I wish that I had a phone.

dibsgirl @ 2005-08-01T00:39:00

2005-08-01T04:39:57Z

i am single.
someone help me. i am lonely
i don't have a phone.
i live with my aunt
i need friends.
now.

dibsgirl @ 2005-06-22T18:45:00

2005-06-22T22:46:47Z

i just wanna be in love.
i mean, i am in love, but i wanna feel the love in return.
maybe i should give up on guys and love a chick.
i have loved a woman before, but i never told her, and then again it wouldn't have mattered, she wouldn't have loved me in return, i just want everything. everything that is beautiful.

*amanda*

dibsgirl @ 2005-05-19T11:18:00

2005-05-19T15:19:24Z

do i want to get married?

*thinks* with the 85% chance of infidelity in the average American marriage I am no longer sure. I don't know what I want now. Learning that statistic has just made me depressed and has taken away all of my dreams.

dibsgirl @ 2005-05-15T18:18:00

2005-05-15T22:18:49Z

love me

why???

2005-05-05T02:36:44Z

i am a xanga addict, and that is why i never update. but right now i am really in an emotional state and i need to have someone listen to it. so here i go: in the past few months these have been my emotional problems:
- I had a miscarriage and lost my Jessie Caden Bernard
- My father hurt me
- I was recently kicked out of my house and all my stuff is just sitting in my car
- My friends have dissappeared on me. I haven't seen them in forever.
- I have overcome soo many times of just wanting to die.

dang it all... life...

where to find me

2005-01-19T03:51:29Z

www.xanga.com/aplacetoreside
www.freewebs.com/aplacetoreside
www.aplacetoreside/freewebs.com

dibsgirl @ 2005-01-07T00:11:00

2005-01-07T05:11:48Z

so the new xanga resides at: www.xanga.com/A_Place_To_Reside but if you know me, make sure some certain people don't get their hands on the name... i'd have to erase it all again

dibsgirl @ 2005-01-06T12:05:00

2005-01-06T17:06:17Z

my xanga is gone....
Dan told me i should delete it. so i did.

Poem- Dreamer

2004-11-30T07:43:55Z

I stare into space with no thoughts
And a rather empty capacity of feelings as well
I smell the faint existence of old rain
And I wrap myself with a blanket
Made of my chilly underestimations
My wishes are overwhelming
And farther than my grasp
So I close my eyes and dream them all away.

dibsgirl @ 2004-11-13T02:59:00

2004-11-13T08:08:27Z

This is to someone whom I will keep anonymous, but this person knows who they are:

I can't believe that you are real. Sometimes I think that you are only a figment of my imagination. The things that you say to me make my heart beat a million times faster than it should. When I merely think of you my face lights up and I feel as though life couldn't get any better. You know exactly the right words to cheer me up when I am feeling bad, and you know exactly what to do to make me feel like the top of the world. You mean the world to me. Maybe I don't know everything about you, but I feel as though I have known you forever, like you somehow know what goes on in my thoughts, because everything that I need you give me. When you talk to me, I feel giddy, like the night before christmas sort of feel. When you touch me, I begin to feel like i have ran a five mile race with my heart beating soo fast and soo hard. When you kiss me it feels like Heaven's gates have opened up, and I am filled with inner peace and joy. And when we "play" it feels like running through a field of daises in an orgasmic manor. I am overflowed with emotions and feelings that are hard to describe let alone understand. I just want you to know that I like you a lot. You mean soo much to me.

When I felt suicidal

2004-10-21T22:28:12Z

Through all of the struggle
Through all of the scars I have made for myself
And looking past my disconcerted mind-
There you sit,
Patient.
Playing me a song.
A song of hope, love-
Forgiveness.
I spat words at you that
I hope to never repeat.
And instead of turning away,
You hold me even closer,
And together we once again
Merge into one.
An integrated identity
A confused entity
Embarking on a dissonant journey through life.
And though we may never fully understand one another
That is not what creates our faith and expectation
It is the emotional bind holding us together.
It is our love for the other that
Keeps us indivisible.

Finding out Rick is being sent to Iraq

2004-10-18T02:01:05Z

If I could turn back
And be with you,
There are soo many things that I would change.
I would make sure that when you left-
You knew. And knew well.
I tried to be real obvious,
But in my heart it felt more subtle.
The things that I would say to you,
Would take years and a few days,
For the thoughts are more complicated
Than any outlandish dream.
And the things that I would do,
Would merely touch the surface of my reality.
I feel as though there is nothing that I can do.
I feel as though I hold no control.
All I want is to change it all.
I shouldn't have let you leave.
I should have held you back.
And though you would have hated me at the time,
I know that now you understand.
And I will never let you go in my heart.

dibsgirl @ 2004-10-15T21:42:00

2004-10-16T01:43:53Z

I couldn't do it without you
Keep that in your mind
Please never let me down
you are my inspiration-
I see that you are still here,
And i find it a mystery- this world soo cruel
And i want to be just like you
I want to be a mirror image,
In female form.
Let me follow in your footprints,
Let me tell you my dreams,
Let me hear you as well.
You are more to me than i am to myself
Never will i betray you.

dibsgirl @ 2004-10-15T21:22:00

2004-10-16T01:38:32Z

Eyes closed.
Arms embracing myself
Trying to comfort myself
Though there are no tears to dry.
I find myself gone
And lose myself here.
Time slips through my fingertips.
And my hands touch you no more.
My heart skips a beat
And dies all the same
There is no one here but the darkness
Taunting me,
Encouraging me to disobey.
I yell out in vein to God
And no response is heard.
I have given up on him,
Have I given up on it all?
I wait for you to return to me,
Still in deep hope,
Still feeling as though life is worth
These hours of pain.
You are my world.
The world of cruel deceitful lies.
But they are comforting...
And I lie in bed with you one more night,
Cuddled in a grip of death.

dibsgirl @ 2004-10-10T17:33:00

2004-10-11T00:34:24Z

I smoked last night.... why? I am soo freakin' stressed i can't do it anymore. i just cannot do it. I have never smoked before in my life either... *sigh*

dibsgirl @ 2004-10-08T21:06:00

2004-10-09T04:06:47Z

SILENCE!

everyone just please shut up for a moment while I clear my head

I want to die

2004-10-05T16:41:24Z

I want to disappear into nothingness and just plain freakin' die. Can I do that? No, I am not strong enough to accomplish that.

Shoot. I just wanna be happy again. No one knows how long it has been since i have been really happy for a whole day. Maybe i really ought to go to the doctor. I would but i have no health insurance and i don't wanna use my dad's because i don't want my parents to know why i would be going to the doctor in the first place. Maybe i will call them and ask them how much it would cost to go there and have a talk with the doctor.... *sigh*

dibsgirl @ 2004-09-29T13:22:00

2004-09-29T17:26:55Z

My mind cannot be controlled...
There are thoughts that run through my head
And i cannot help but think that they truly are
Forbidden.
There are things that are involved...
And no one knows that they are there.
No one knows that they are the source of this madness.
I want to scream them out...
But out of fear of consequences I keep them hidden
Locked inside my own heart and my own mind.
And it hurts for no one to know... for no one to understand them.

dibsgirl @ 2004-09-28T22:39:00

2004-09-29T03:07:12Z

Silence surrounds me.
I cannot hold it all in anymore.
The contents of my existence throws me off center.
My world falls farther into this hole.
One which I have dug with my own fingertips.
And they all stand...
Stand around me... looking down upon me as always.
And I see that nothing comes down to reach me...
No one wants to pull me up.
When they fall,
Can I guarentee my presence?
Or will I be just like them.
Just like those whom I love,
But whose love is soo shallow in return?

dibsgirl @ 2004-09-28T00:10:00

2004-09-28T04:15:35Z

Hungry.
Hungry for the knowlege that you feed me.
The ideas that stream through you,
Like you are brilliant beyond your years.
Beyond your experiences.
You are so young in society's eyes,
But what do they know anyways?
A collective bunch of...
People.
Nothing more.
Mere people trying to survive.
You laugh at them-
You know that this won't last.
Not for much longer anyways.
And you continue on with life-
Almost oblivious of me watching you with such intent.

dibsgirl @ 2004-09-27T00:06:00

2004-09-27T04:10:16Z

Dan is coming to see me tomarrow...This is emotional enough to be in a post all by itself... if only you all knew what that means to me.

dibsgirl @ 2004-09-25T00:55:00

2004-09-25T05:10:08Z

*My boyfriend is taking "time away" from me by going back to his moms house for about 3 weeks... so that is the background to this poem... just so you all know"

Frozen.
Almost as though someone has drained her
Of all her life,
Leaving her there to gnaw on the grass
Feeding herslef with nothing more.
She cannot see-
All that is real is fake in her heart.,
And she cannot feel anything beyond him.
He became her life-
her only reason to awaken at all.
She'd rather waste her life away
Than be without him for a single moment.
She grabs her method of unconscious oblivion.
This time only earth shattering tears,
Which well inside her fragile body,
And make her feel ill with exhaustion.
And it ends the pain.
Her mind becomes dead
As she stands by the door
Eagerly awaiting his return home

*Well, that certainly could have been better. I am just out of practice. I might try again later*