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November 19th, 2005
09:28 am - The test results for HIV had come back positive?
i got a phone call last night from dan telling me that he has HIV... i cried for forever... an uncontrollable cry. and then i get this email-
Amanda;
I lied about the whole STD thing, I do not have HIV. I was upset to hear that you were having a relationship with Kevin, or are going to, and I reacted out of hurt. I apologize. I feel that we should have no further communication from this point on. I do apologize very much.
oh fuck him. that is NOT funny at all to joke about. he will never know how much that hurt me.
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October 30th, 2005
August 17th, 2005
01:49 pm
i am going to stop updating livejournal all together... I can no longer keep this name dibsgirl. I am not longer his girl. I am not the property of Chris Kessler *smiles* I think that life is definately looking up. Life is going to be okay... *sigh of relief* but Andrea- I still miss you and I wanna see you really soon. I wish that I had a phone.
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August 1st, 2005
12:39 am
i am single.
someone help me. i am lonely
i don't have a phone.
i live with my aunt
i need friends.
now.
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June 22nd, 2005
06:45 pm
i just wanna be in love.
i mean, i am in love, but i wanna feel the love in return.
maybe i should give up on guys and love a chick.
i have loved a woman before, but i never told her, and then again it wouldn't have mattered, she wouldn't have loved me in return, i just want everything. everything that is beautiful.
*amanda*
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May 19th, 2005
11:18 am
do i want to get married?
*thinks* with the 85% chance of infidelity in the average American marriage I am no longer sure. I don't know what I want now. Learning that statistic has just made me depressed and has taken away all of my dreams.
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May 15th, 2005
May 4th, 2005
10:33 pm - why???
i am a xanga addict, and that is why i never update. but right now i am really in an emotional state and i need to have someone listen to it. so here i go: in the past few months these have been my emotional problems:
- I had a miscarriage and lost my Jessie Caden Bernard
- My father hurt me
- I was recently kicked out of my house and all my stuff is just sitting in my car
- My friends have dissappeared on me. I haven't seen them in forever.
- I have overcome soo many times of just wanting to die.
dang it all... life...
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January 18th, 2005
10:50 pm - where to find me
www.xanga.com/aplacetoreside
www.freewebs.com/aplacetoreside
www.aplacetoreside/freewebs.com
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January 7th, 2005
12:11 am
so the new xanga resides at: www.xanga.com/A_Place_To_Reside but if you know me, make sure some certain people don't get their hands on the name... i'd have to erase it all again
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January 6th, 2005
12:05 pm
my xanga is gone....
Dan told me i should delete it. so i did.
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November 30th, 2004
02:42 am - Poem- Dreamer
I stare into space with no thoughts
And a rather empty capacity of feelings as well
I smell the faint existence of old rain
And I wrap myself with a blanket
Made of my chilly underestimations
My wishes are overwhelming
And farther than my grasp
So I close my eyes and dream them all away.
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November 13th, 2004
02:59 am
This is to someone whom I will keep anonymous, but this person knows who they are:
I can't believe that you are real. Sometimes I think that you are only a figment of my imagination. The things that you say to me make my heart beat a million times faster than it should. When I merely think of you my face lights up and I feel as though life couldn't get any better. You know exactly the right words to cheer me up when I am feeling bad, and you know exactly what to do to make me feel like the top of the world. You mean the world to me. Maybe I don't know everything about you, but I feel as though I have known you forever, like you somehow know what goes on in my thoughts, because everything that I need you give me. When you talk to me, I feel giddy, like the night before christmas sort of feel. When you touch me, I begin to feel like i have ran a five mile race with my heart beating soo fast and soo hard. When you kiss me it feels like Heaven's gates have opened up, and I am filled with inner peace and joy. And when we "play" it feels like running through a field of daises in an orgasmic manor. I am overflowed with emotions and feelings that are hard to describe let alone understand. I just want you to know that I like you a lot. You mean soo much to me.
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October 21st, 2004
06:24 pm - When I felt suicidal
Through all of the struggle
Through all of the scars I have made for myself
And looking past my disconcerted mind-
There you sit,
Patient.
Playing me a song.
A song of hope, love-
Forgiveness.
I spat words at you that
I hope to never repeat.
And instead of turning away,
You hold me even closer,
And together we once again
Merge into one.
An integrated identity
A confused entity
Embarking on a dissonant journey through life.
And though we may never fully understand one another
That is not what creates our faith and expectation
It is the emotional bind holding us together.
It is our love for the other that
Keeps us indivisible.
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October 17th, 2004
09:55 pm - Finding out Rick is being sent to Iraq
If I could turn back
And be with you,
There are soo many things that I would change.
I would make sure that when you left-
You knew. And knew well.
I tried to be real obvious,
But in my heart it felt more subtle.
The things that I would say to you,
Would take years and a few days,
For the thoughts are more complicated
Than any outlandish dream.
And the things that I would do,
Would merely touch the surface of my reality.
I feel as though there is nothing that I can do.
I feel as though I hold no control.
All I want is to change it all.
I shouldn't have let you leave.
I should have held you back.
And though you would have hated me at the time,
I know that now you understand.
And I will never let you go in my heart.
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October 15th, 2004
09:42 pm
I couldn't do it without you
Keep that in your mind
Please never let me down
you are my inspiration-
I see that you are still here,
And i find it a mystery- this world soo cruel
And i want to be just like you
I want to be a mirror image,
In female form.
Let me follow in your footprints,
Let me tell you my dreams,
Let me hear you as well.
You are more to me than i am to myself
Never will i betray you.
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09:22 pm
Eyes closed.
Arms embracing myself
Trying to comfort myself
Though there are no tears to dry.
I find myself gone
And lose myself here.
Time slips through my fingertips.
And my hands touch you no more.
My heart skips a beat
And dies all the same
There is no one here but the darkness
Taunting me,
Encouraging me to disobey.
I yell out in vein to God
And no response is heard.
I have given up on him,
Have I given up on it all?
I wait for you to return to me,
Still in deep hope,
Still feeling as though life is worth
These hours of pain.
You are my world.
The world of cruel deceitful lies.
But they are comforting...
And I lie in bed with you one more night,
Cuddled in a grip of death.
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October 10th, 2004
05:33 pm
I smoked last night.... why? I am soo freakin' stressed i can't do it anymore. i just cannot do it. I have never smoked before in my life either... *sigh*
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October 8th, 2004
09:06 pm
SILENCE!
everyone just please shut up for a moment while I clear my head
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October 5th, 2004
12:38 pm - I want to die
I want to disappear into nothingness and just plain freakin' die. Can I do that? No, I am not strong enough to accomplish that.
Shoot. I just wanna be happy again. No one knows how long it has been since i have been really happy for a whole day. Maybe i really ought to go to the doctor. I would but i have no health insurance and i don't wanna use my dad's because i don't want my parents to know why i would be going to the doctor in the first place. Maybe i will call them and ask them how much it would cost to go there and have a talk with the doctor.... *sigh*
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